Tashey's MindSay Blog

hello

causticpax — 2004-01-28T08:01:00-05:00

i have a couple thoughts on my mind tonight. number two- Laurenn she really is like my very best friends. Number one- my storties. they are progressing. enough for tonight.

Today

causticpax — 2004-01-29T07:01:00-05:00

So yeah, Medici did a wonderful job with my hair today. I absolutely loved it. what i don't understand though is why do people see my hair and go Heidi. or Princess Lia. I don't know but i do like it... I got angry with Charlie today. I was trying to help him but he wasn't listening. then the freaking biology bunny bit me and dipak gave the bunny to a little girl. i sure hope she wasn't bitten. ergh. Dipak is so smart but he... doesn't have the common sense aspect of inteligence that comes with age. Dipak, I love you but you know that's true. Maybe i just feel bad becasue i know i'm inteligent i jut never apply myself as much as i could and i know that being a white girl i would never be given the scholarship oppertunities he has been given. oh well. I will make it to my college somehow someway. errrgh. i had a awful day. i completly fell asleep in spanish todya. i zonked. but oh well. i hate that class and i was so cold. i didn't even have a sweatshirt yuck. I will never go to school again without one ever again. Okay. I love you all....

oh Yeah commercial time.

causticpax — 2004-02-01T11:02:00-05:00

No i don't care about football but I do care about the commercials. oh yeah baby. i love pepsi's new commercial. hahaha. man i love that music. Sometimes music just moves me but lalalalalalala. i'm having fun. i realized today in church that one of my friends is reallly hot but nothing will ever coem from it...... i lost that chance and i'm not sure if he has a girlfriend. oh well. lalalalala.

So Yeah

causticpax — 2004-02-03T06:02:00-05:00

Hubris. I love that word. You must know i love fluffy in that strictly platonic way that he is he and i am me but boy does he have hubris... just like his brother. Haha. oh well. My crew told me i should not use polysyllabic words with them. (not in those terms) actually they told me not to use big words. but hubris is not a big word it is only 6 letters. oh well... pobre Erin. she told joshy poo that she still digs him but guess what according to him. only friends. thus goes crashing her dream but teh other sad thing is his brother (who is hot) is going to be camping with us next summer. OH yeah. i'll avoid the red food inns in his presence. although he has already seen me in one.... Long story too long to explain. but it is funny. So yeah. i have been feeling inspired. wanting to write much. I have been writing my stories and i ned to explain about ..... to Erin, she doesn't understand. Oh well, my relationship with him has blown away on the breath of opportunity. 'twill never be. I'm happy. Truely I am. don't worry. Days are good. Have a nice month.

I HATE IT

causticpax — 2004-02-04T06:02:00-05:00

Okay i'm frustrated. very frustrated. tonight was supposed to be my pinning ceremony but guess what. nope. canceled. That was the only thing i was looking forward to today. I like snow- i do it is just that there is so much outside. if we had gotten a 2 hour delay that would have made me feel better. math test went okay but SPanish sucked. We had our test. for half the class it was the third class of hte day but... WE told her. she said we didn't tell her and she gave us teh date for the test first but she didn't MATH DID. then ENGLISH. not SPANISH. She didn't care. i did well on vocabulary for once but i completely forgot how to conjegate present tense irregulars. gone. so i probelly failed. at least i remembered the pretirite. oh well. life sucks.

OH yeah I forgot

causticpax — 2004-02-04T06:02:00-05:00

I forgot... I was really upset after my test... given. so i was pantimining peger un tiro. and scared a couple of my classmates. i told tehme i would be fine in a couple of hours. spanish just bumms me out. everyone tells me i shouldn't let it bother me. but i'm oversensitive.... that's my life. I'm so glad kyle isn't at school this week. it gives me peace and quiet. oh yeah...

Today i accept the snow.

causticpax — 2004-02-05T08:02:00-05:00

The snow doesn't feel so cold so oppressive although it was worse. I want to be free but I can't. I must learn how to be free and yet still be within the confines of this mortal world. I want to read, write and reflect. Someday i will learn. maybe just not yet. Nicki and I have been talking about all kinds of stuff and it was so much fun. we are so similar. Next year will be soo much fun. Well i'm going to continue on with my story... as toby would say... Adew. Hey this is part of my favourite song from spanish class.
Duélete de mis dolencias.
Si algún día me has querido
Y enséñame a ser feliz
Porque infeliz yo he nacido.

(Feel my pain)
(If you have ever loved me)
(And teach me to be happy)
(Because I haven't ever been happy)

so...

causticpax — 2004-02-06T07:02:00-05:00

I spent 6 hours at school today. AND WE didn't ahve school. I enjoyed it though. it was fun. I don't want to go to school tomorrow but i will. I'm going to write letters to Dan! and Bryan now so ADeW

I'm over it.

causticpax — 2004-02-09T03:02:00-05:00

So yeah. this morning i was really happy. I finally realized that I am over him. completely and totally. I met a really really really cute guy this weekend. and he was just a step. I haven't really been looking at guys for a time and now i am. IT IS so past time. yeah... I'm also almost over the pain Coach James casued me. I saw wrestling this weekend (the school double booked). It was the first time since i saw Chris wrestling for first place of 171 last year at regionals. feb. 15. 2003. I realized on saturday how much i really love wrestling. It is such a beautiful sport to watch. I'm going to put my future sons in it as soon as i feel they are ready. I saw James today and i just smiled. his power over me is lost. I was a damn good manager and it was his fault that he didn't have his former head manager this year. I love wrestling. the raw beauty and power of it. SO it only took me a year to forgive him. no. i haven't forgiven him. i have just moved on. if a 32 year old child wants to act that way. why should i stoop? I AM POWERFUL! hahahaha. so yeah. that is good. i'm over Bryan and I've matured enough to leave my life as a manager behind. Good things. You know today's in class essay didn't even bother me. My mock didn't bother me. I was free flowing. so... I'll be seeing you travis...

So good Morning.

causticpax — 2004-02-10T06:02:00-05:00

I gave my story to Erin. After reading the first line she was making fun of me. I knew she would. i set myself up for it. I don't care becasue i know she will give me constuctive criticism. she will be very helpful. I hope. My story is very important to me and so....I want her to like it. she knows who it is about. I just hope she realizes that I am over him. I truly think i am. so... TTYL.

Well...

causticpax — 2004-02-10T09:02:00-05:00

I know i made it very public about my "admiration of Bryan" but I was surprised when Eric started to talk to me about it. I thought he would never know. I know stupid of me but... Sometimes it feels so good to have this travel to the great unknown and have peopel who i have never meet see this personal aspect of my life. However, I am very happy to be released of the burden of a relationship that could never be. Since I Have that off my chest... I can talk bad about him. no i wont i love Eric in that strictly platonic way that he is eric and i am me. okay... i should be working on my outline and so i'll do that. Adew

Don't be a dick...

causticpax — 2004-02-10T06:02:00-05:00

Ultimate IRONy. A kid in my class who i don't really like has a sticker that says that... interesting cuz he is a dick... Okay yeah... just had to say taht.

SO... I'm happy really I am

causticpax — 2004-02-12T07:02:00-05:00

yeah... I'm happy. I believe I am. I'm getting my wisdom teeth out tomorrow and I'm angry with one of my teachers. i have been telling her since last week that i would be gone tomorrow so yesterday when i had her class i asked for my assignmetns well... she didn't have tehm. I can't see her during access because she will be busy i can't see her during lunch becasue i have a test and i can't see her after school cuz i have an appointment immideltly after school. So whencan i get the assignments? this makes me so scared becasue i will be leaving in march to go to san diego for a conference. will she sabatoge me? Yesterday i was on Tv cuz my absolute favortie Math teacher was teacher fo the month they filmed our class yesterday. so.. I was on tv. Who do i see... I see... a crazy person who is weird. Brandon is plucking me right now... i have hair on my shirt and it is driving him crazy. I saw Pat...yesterday... He asked me if i was still reading PORN. and I said yes well... he asked if he could borrow some. Why I don't know...So Yeah. I'm happy really and... Brandon is a censorer of life.... So he wants to block the PORN word above... Yeah... I'm going to chemistry now.....

Friday the 13th in February

causticpax — 2004-02-12T06:02:00-05:00

This is the second time I’ve missed this Friday (tomorrow). Last year the 14 I was at regionals for wrestling. This year teeth. Last year my world came apart on the 14. I hate Valentines Day. It is a hallmark holiday and and I hate it… guys seem to think that they can beat up girls on valentine’s day for some strange reason. Guys I don’t understand… Okay… today someone asked me if I was a lesbian… even though I talk about guys that might be an act, because I haven’t had any boyfriends. Well, neither has she… who is she to talk? I may complain about being one of the guys but I prefer it. Guys are soo much nicer. I just wish that a guy could see me and want to be in a relationship with me. I just wish that. If any of ya’ll want to give me a gift, give me a boyfriend.

Medici, these quotes are for you.

causticpax — 2004-02-12T08:02:00-05:00

I figured out why girls love musicians so much. It's the way their eyes seem to be haunted. It's when they have so much passion for what they are doing and what they are singing. To us it seems like they're pouring out their souls to us, when any other guy would never have the guts to do that. They make us feel a part of them, like we're included.
What do you do when the only person who can make you stop crying is the person who made you cry?
It takes only a minute to get a crush on someone, an hour to like someone, and a day to love someone but it takes a lifetime to forget someone.
Don't settle for the one you can live with, wait for the one you can't live without.
Absence does for love what the wind does for a flame: it extinguishes the weak and feeds the strong.
Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.
Don't frown. You never know when someone could be falling for your smile.
If I could reach up and hold a star for everytime you made me smile, I would have the whole evening sky in the palm of my hand.
A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words.
Live every moment you have. Always look back, but never try to go back. Never forget who you are, or where you've been. Never try to become that person again. Let yourself change. Don't avoid pain. Don't be oblivious to reality, but don't live in it. Don't rush. Be the exact opposite of everyone else, naturally. Be afraid of the dark, and the light. And then conquer your fear. Shriveling back from your own greatness can be good. But not forever. Swelling past what you should be can be good. But not always. Take a breath, and be yourself. And then, in the next breath, take a different perspective. Never miss an opportunity to play in the rain, and get soaking wet. Get cold. Get hot. Live as much as you can, because you need something to write about. Don't become. Be.
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
To the world you may be just one person, but to just one person you may be the world.
The worst way to miss someone is to be sitting right beside them knowing you can't have them.
No man or woman is worth your tears, and the one who is, won't make you cry.
A life with love will have some thorns, but a life without love will have no roses.
Giving someone all your love is never an assurance that they'll love you back. Don't expect love in return, just wait for it to grow in their heart but if it doesn't, be content it grew in yours.
Love...is when you look into someone's eyes, and suddenly, you go all the way inside...to their soul...and you both know, instantly.
Love...we think about it, sing about it, dream about it, lose sleep worrying about it. When we don't have it, we search for it, when we discover it, we don't know what to do with it, when we have it, we fear losing it. It is the constant source of pleasure and pain. But we can't predict which it will be from one moment to the next. It is a short word, easy to spell, difficult to define, impossible to live without.

So happy Valentine's day ( a few days late)

causticpax — 2004-02-18T04:02:00-05:00

Okay yeah... I guess i'm kinda celebrating the most depressing day of the year
off and on but yeah.... on the thirteenth, i got my all four of my third
molars removed so i was drugged out most of the fourteenth... except a friend
and a friend of a friend came over to eat jello, play games and watch movies.
Oh yeah chourus line... SANTA MARIA SEND ME GUIDENCE.... or TITS and ASS... I
love that movie.... okay so... I got a migrane and It was an allegry reaction
to milk. Yes I am alleregic to milk, not lactose intolerant but to the protein
in it. So my migrane lasted until Tuesday morning when I had to go back to
school. My teachers commented on how pale I was. and that I was quiet so I had
to be ill. yeah. I forgot to do 3 or four projects. oh yeah.. a chem. Test a
research commission, my math project and for today I had to do Socratics and
dialecticals. Well. I got home from TOK at 8 30 last night. my jaw hurt so
much I was bawling my eyes out. I was in panic mode. I received an email that
allowed me one more day for my research commission so I did my Socratics and
dialecticals. I got four hours of sleep because I gave up and did simple
answers for the Socratics. However, I felt so much better. I was smiling I
wasn't so pale. I turned in my math project and all was happy. I'm to do the
rc when I go home which will be an a coule of moments because I'm waiting for
the parking lot to clear out. So that updates on how shitty I felt so. I can
go onto why I'm celebrating v-day today..
I have never really been that happy about Valentine's day. when I was younger
I got the beating of my life on that day. it was from two boys in my class. I
remember curling up in fetal postion just to protect myself. Last year.
something happened that an adult male who should know better hit me and
verbally abused me in front of the whole state. who were present at the
competition. since he was an authority figure at the high school, you would
think that he would be fired for abusing a student at the school right? Nope
he was "justified" ERRRRGHHH. Okay that tells part of my history of V-day but
onto more happiness. This year I have gotten more valentines then I have in
the past six years combined. I received one from a girl who comes to the
tutoring center where I help out. A little eight year old. Such a sweetie. the
next came from a classmate/ friendly competitior and I could say she is a
friend. I am so touched that she thought of me. Well my last valentine came
today delievered via boyfriend of this girl. She is out of town right now so I
understand this. But this girl is really sweet sometimes but other times she
is manipulative. She coerced me into going to homecoming once and she ended up
dancing with my date more than me. We exchange hellos usually so I was really
surprised when I received this dinky little card. It's not much but it makes
me know that she was thinking of me. Is that too much to ask? For someone just
to let me know that they are thinking of me? So yeah. I'm happy really I am.
Have a wonderful day..

Sincerely,

Me

You will always be in my thoughts no matter who you are. and whether I know
you or not.

Check this out...

causticpax — 2004-02-18T09:02:00-05:00

http://tandembicycle.netfirms.com/
I find this humorous. My inteligent buddy Tupak thinks that i'm the one doing the site but alas i'm not...

I just wanted to write...

causticpax — 2004-02-20T06:02:00-05:00

A lot has changed in the past week… I lost impacted wisdom. Well, only sort of. I had my four wisdom teeth removed. That is painful although Myck made it humorous. Thanks, Mike. Another change, my mom got fed up with my messy room so she took out all of my clothes and did laundry. I HAVE CLEAN CLOTHES. Oh yeah. That rocks. It is amazing how calm life is when it is clean and a person is confident. That is my last change. Today, I did something different. I cannot identify what exactly was different but lot of people commented on it. “It” being how I looked. I wore my sneakers that I almost always have on… I wore out my merrils. I had my jeans. Abate, my jeans were tighter then I usually wear. I wore a polo I hate but it went well over my tank top and the final touch of clothes was a zip-up fleece jacket other than the hoodie I usually wear. Then I had my hair braided into pigtails. “Gee, Tash, your hair looks cute today.” “Wow, Tash. You did your hair.” I always do my hair, either a ponytail or bun. Sometimes it’s down though… what was so different about having pigtails? I don’t understand. I’m so comfuzzled. I wore colored lip-gloss and mascara and eye makeup and all the sudden “You seem made up today.” What the heck? I’m made up… I didn’t wear any other makeup products and I’M made up? Honey, either get your eyes check or see what the freshmen wear. I am not made up. Anyways, I did feel confident and pretty and and I only got angry with Katie when she got me involved in something. WHY did she mention my name? She jeopardized my friendship with Nikki. You know, maybe she thought I was going to choose sides and end up believing her and advocating for her. Well, Sorry Katie. If I have to choose sides it will be Nikki’s. She was the one wronged. Okay… So I have the car today. I had to run errands, including returning a book to the library. So I think “OH goody a chance to get more novels to read… I really like the first one. I was upstairs reading when I decided to clean up a bit. I started singing to go along with it. I love how powerful some songs are. You know like Andrew Lloyd Webber’s music. Man, he’s incredible. His is the music that comforts me. So I’m by myself, singing my heart out and I realize how wonderful and calm life is. I just wanted to write.

LIFE

causticpax — 2004-02-28T02:02:00-05:00

Well, I've been to busy living life to update and reflect about life. so... except for the whole fluffy thing that is okay though. I'll skip explaining about the humor and irony about fluffy so....

Oscars

causticpax — 2004-02-29T07:02:00-05:00

My boys are trying to decide who should win most of the awards... My boys are rats named Frodo, Aragorn, Gandalf. Should "PiRATes of the Cariabbean" win or should their namesakes? Species or names.... hmmmm.... Smile

I guess so...

causticpax — 2004-03-01T12:03:00-05:00

Laurenn and I were trying to figure out our types, meaning the types of guys we prefer. She likes the depressive type and we figured out that I like the hubric type. It could be true considering the guys I have liked... The tall, sinowy built cross country runners who are arrogent to the boot. I guess so... and Patrick if you read this... It isn't what you think.

SO happy days...

causticpax — 2004-03-02T06:03:00-05:00

Well, last night, i recieved 15 messages while i was at class. all of them pertaining to my friend, Laurenn. Well, Nicky Poo, the lust object wanted to find out if she was mad at him and her phone number. Oh great. you can keep her phone number. So, we spoke for about an hour and a half. I sure hope he doesn't think i was asking him out or flirting with him. i was just not feeling well and he could relate. Two lost souls on the highway of life. Well, I understand more about my friend, Nicky Poo. He told me to change my attitude about life and school since he recently did so and feels so much better. oh... I tried to get a date, just a friend from my guys in the crew and nope nada none. errrgh. So yeah i have nobody. So i'm not going besides i'll just be pissed off becasue i have to spend teh entire day with Ruban and Kyle, the dick mentioned previously. It is for the better. Okay. I'm okay really I am.

Super glue

causticpax — 2004-03-02T09:03:00-05:00

I'm building an airplane and i have super glue all over my fingers. i do not have any fine tactile feelings. Ahhhh... Haha...

hmmmm....

causticpax — 2004-03-03T06:03:00-05:00

I cry
The tears keep falling down my face
I feel
You wipe away my tears with your thumb
I try
But you will always be in my life.
I speak
But you already know what is in my throat
I hear
Your footsteps are marching away from me.
I guess you shan't ever return to me.

Disorders

causticpax — 2004-03-03T09:03:00-05:00

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	High
Schizoid:	Moderate
Schizotypal:	High
Antisocial:	Low
Borderline:	Moderate
Histrionic:	High
Narcissistic:	Moderate
Avoidant:	High
Dependent:	Very High
Obsessive-Compulsive:	Moderate
-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! --

Oh i'm in Purgatory!

causticpax — 2004-03-03T09:03:00-05:00

The Dante's Inferno Test has sent you to Purgatory!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	High
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	High
Level 2 (Lustful)	Very Low
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	High
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Very Low
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Moderate
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Very Low
Level 7 (Violent)	Moderate
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Low
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Very Low

Take the Dante's Divine Comedy Inferno Test

Sci O

causticpax — 2004-03-04T08:03:00-05:00

Well, on Saturday, wish me luck. I will either be happy or two guys will be dead... as doornails. Well, perhaps i'll go to the movies and avoid Morp all together. That will be good.

I have a new favourite movie

causticpax — 2004-03-05T03:03:00-05:00

Today we had a snow day... Horrible. I hated it. Well, I got to watch a movie instead. A few days ago we bought A Life Less Ordinary. It was 4 bucks and it costs that much to rent it so... I watched it today. I love it. It is so weird. and besides Ewan McGregor in a kilt. YUMMY. Not only is he sexy... but oh a kilt.... YUMMY!

WaS Up

causticpax — 2004-03-05T09:03:00-05:00

Well... I can't wait for tomorrow...I'll be punked out. I want the change. I read some things from about a year ago and i wonder how much i've changed. Have i changed for the worst? don't change they told me. You are wonderful. My friend that once upon a time i really loved told me that he loved me at that point. I just want to say... Jason, Thank you even now. I love you. He should never see this because I lost my chance with him. Was it my fault? I believe so. I have been thinking about something really really weird. I love when guys wear pacific blue shirts. You know those blue shirts... Man, Beautiful. I can think of 4 guys and memories... good memories of when they wore a blue shirt and usually khakis. ahmmmm... I wish I could just talk to Jason all the time.... Maybe he will help me get over Bryan for once and always.

Today

causticpax — 2004-03-06T10:03:00-05:00

That is all i really can say.... Today. I didn't kill Kyle nor Ruben, of course i really didn't see them either... I hung out with Palmer's team instead, in fact, I hung with Matty. Matty, as in my best friend's little brother. He is my age. We skipped around and critiqued the different teams. It was so much fun. Then Laurenn and I went to a movie with Callie. We saw Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights... So trite and the things they took from Dirty Dancing really didn't fit in. Laurenn and Callie were swooning over Diego Luna, I wasn't. he looks like a young mexican dick van dyke. Sorry not really my cup of tea. Although he did always wear a Mother Mary medallion like the one I wear er wore until it almost broke. Oh sexy... I can't believe my spanish teacher took the spanish club to the movie. wow... intersting... So today was good... I admitted to Laurenn that I had never been kissed before so we were trying to think of prospects... she thinks i should go for Matty. but I can't it is Matty. It is Matty, the one who won us tickets to the first showing of Pirates of the Caribean... It is Matty... Oh well. So we saw an ad for the Movie, King Arthur. Oh MY god. I'm so excited. I love arthurian legends. If i could marry a fictional book character it would be King Arthur from the book, The queen of Camelot by Nancy Mackenzie. Oh YUMMY! Sugery. Okay. Keep that image. King Arthur.

Footsie with Brandon

causticpax — 2004-03-07T09:03:00-05:00

My computer is screwing up... I might not update for a long while. This morning at mass, I was flirting with Jason and then kicking Brandon (he started it). Well, Jason told me to stop "playing footsie." He kinda sounded jelious. Oh god does he realize that I want him to be? I love Jason. I do. I truly do. I love you Jason.

OH WHAT A BEAUTIFUL MORNING

causticpax — 2004-03-08T06:03:00-05:00

Oh what a beautiful day... Last night, I couldn't sleep so I knitted. Since we had a snow day on Friday, Today we have all of our classes. yucky. yucky. my backpack weighs 40 pounds. I weighed it. that is heavier than my philmont backpack. Ergh. I feel like i'm going to fall over. so yeah not much. I just wanted to complain about my backpack... Til later.

CSAP=CRAP

causticpax — 2004-03-09T12:03:00-05:00

Okay, we only had class for 2 hours today so Eric and I decided to go to coffee after class. Well, when i got home he was online so we started to talk. trying to figure out different things like would anyone else come. Well, our friend emily was online as well, she goes to a different school. I asked her to go to coffee with us. She said no. But i guess Eric and Emily made plans. Then Eric asked for a ride and we met Emily at starbucks. That was cool and then we went to Porn and Crack. her high school. I saw so many people. I met Emily's friends and dodged a couple of teachers that know me. and I saw Nicky as in Laurenn's nicky. He was surprised to see me. It was cool going to a school where i have no idea what is going on. so it was fun. Thanks Em and Eric.

What soul do you have?

causticpax — 2004-03-10T02:03:00-05:00

As if you were born into a world of tears, you
always tend to look at the darker things in
life. Inside you crave attention yet push away
society, and you're a hopeless romantic. Drawn
to things like the occult and mysteries, you
spend your time daydreaming.

What Type of Soul Do You Have ?
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My dream

causticpax — 2004-03-13T09:03:00-05:00

I had a beautiful and yet disturbing dream. I was handed a bag that said SUMC on it. That is the church that I go to for crew and the church Bryan's family goes to. I knew the lettering was mixed up. It was supposed to be USMC. I had to pack it with items like a gun or other items that I knew that were for his artifacts. I grasped the bag to me and i wept for him. I cried all the way to the crew. I was in someone's truck leaning up against him, crying into his shoulder. Then I entered into the room with my dog and he was running to everyone being all excited. However, everyone was somewhat morose and yet happy. Kim points me to a wing backed chair. In it is Bryan, a statue. He has been destroyed. He is no longer the guy we knew. My tears dried a bit and that is why it was beautiful dream. I have no idea why this dream came at this time but I'm going to go into the symbols of the dream.

Tsunami Bomb

causticpax — 2004-03-13T01:03:00-05:00

Tsunami Bomb

Which Warped Tour Band Are You?
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ERGH!

causticpax — 2004-03-17T06:03:00-05:00

So yeah I've lost all, i mean all, respect for one of my teachers. Usually only i am able to retain a smittering of respect for the teacher that i really dislike but now it is gone. GONE GONE GONE. I sit in the front row like i am the trouble maker instead of the real trouble makers who sit in the back. I get yelled at for not having something at the moment she wants it and i am not teh only one who gets yelled at for the same infraction. We cannot laugh we cannot smile we cannot ask for a pencil or pen if ours breaks. At parent teacher confrences, my mom first saw this side of her. My mom thought that i was employing slight hypeboles when talking about her. well, at confrences she saw the nicer horrible side. not how she is in class. now my mom has sympathy for me but i have another year of classes with her. ergh... i might just pay attention enough to make my way through but since i sit in the front seat that will be hard because she will yell at me for not paying attention. Okay here is another thing that really bothers me. I have had this teacher for... well this is my second year with her. I am not a good student in spanish i know this and accept this. well my mom comes to the school every tuesday and wenesday and meets with the team in the classroom right next to my spanish classroom. Well. SHE sees my mother every tuesday and thurday. you would think that she would tell my mother that i need help in the form of a tutor. NO. she tells us on my report card--a printed notice. hmmmm. Bitch. ERGH... Okay i was just frustrated....

Adew!

causticpax — 2004-03-18T06:03:00-05:00

LalaLa RAmpage! okay no not really. i'm just sooooooooooooooooooo stressed. but that is okay. spring break is next week. and then tours ahhahahahahahah. okay enough with that. as Tobias would say, ADEW.

I'm driving! my mother is the worst back seat driver ever

causticpax — 2004-03-19T06:03:00-05:00

My mother is super stressed, right? and I'm not... ha. Well, when she is a passenger while i'm driving i always become a worse driver. In fact last night, i made a complete stop at a four-way stop and then proceded. When i was halfway through my turn She yelled what are you doing. so i stopped and almost got hit in the process. ERGH. I wasn't doing anything wrong. It seems that everything i do is wrong. I'm on teh computer and we were sent a virus.... hmmmm. there aren't any of those going around. Hey, she was the one to open the attachment. ERGH. oh well. life shall be better. i hope.

Why

causticpax — 2004-03-27T02:03:00-05:00

Why is it coffee brown (color) but you take your coffee black?

dreams

causticpax — 2004-03-28T09:03:00-05:00

I'm sick of dreams haunting me. You know those kinds of dreams... Happy ones that ultimitly make you sad. I won't go into details but I've been thinking. hmmmmmmmm. Well I now Know my dream college. It was so perfect for me. I loved it. the only problem is it is really really expensive. however with my scores on the psat and so on i could qualify for a scholership of 75%. Which would be mondo cool. AYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY. I just want to graduate. I just want to be in a world that i am who i see inside. I just want to be with my friends again.

St. Joseph in a bag

causticpax — 2004-03-29T06:03:00-05:00

I've carried plenty of weird things to school before but I think the weirdest has to be today. I'm carrying around Joe... St. Joseph... in a ziploc bag. We are loaning him to a teacher. So i'm excited and nervious and all of my ia stuff is due today. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. okay. bye.

blogs...I'll be bach

causticpax — 2004-03-29T07:03:00-05:00

So... I'm at Tok. I'm done with my work so I'm playing around just like everyone else. whooo. Since I was checking out the different people i call my friends, Jinie saw and she thought it was really cool. I enjoy having a blog. perhaps people can see my inner mind. lol. maybe. So i'm leaving tomorrow for San Diego. I came back to school for one full day and then i'm gone. besides being super stressed, i'm not packed but i'm feeling better about chemistry. tonight we are choosing are treks for philmont. i'm so excited. I can't wait until that happens. Today i got a piece of mail in class. i saw where it was fun and i just chuckled. it was from MT of A. yeah that is what it said. No i'm not paying that much money to do that again. but "IT is not a beauty pageant" that is right how else would i have placed in the top ten if it wasn't. So I'll be bach.

I'm Bach

causticpax — 2004-04-05T06:04:00-05:00

Okay, so long time, right? Well, I'm back now. After going to San Diego, I have returned and after going to the beach (twice), I'm still as pale white as ever. yeah. I even went without sunscreen. oh well. So now I could tell you the happy things but it has been so long. I'll give the highlights... Cute Surfer Boy, Hot Marine in uniform, ummmmmmm what else... Nikki's Cousin, ummmmm... IB nerds just like me. ummmmm. I was called a "tease" and a "poser" and I should just go after what i want... Well, what i really want I can't get cuz he is in a different world. now there are other guys that are so similiar to him that i will accept but... girls don't fall under that catagory. So... Want details ask me...

I'm so sleepy...

causticpax — 2004-04-06T06:04:00-05:00

So Yeah, Goodmorning. At school during lunch, some freshmen who eat in the same location as me decided to talk about kissing and making out. One decided to include me and asked when was the first time i had made out... hummmmm... I really want to admit to these guys that i have never made out nor even kissed... I was a bit snippish with him but oh well. it was just ironic that the conversation had to be yesterday... that's life. Then at Tok, we had a discussion about Nazi Death Camp Experiments and whether the information gathered from it should be utilized. We read information from both sides of the arguement. You know, I believe i surprised some people with my views. I am an admant opposer to animal testing and my class knows this so when i likened it to animal testing, they were suprised that i believed it should. Then I went and said that our generation has had to formulate ideas about stem cell research and already decided our ideas about the ethics of it. So class got out early and I arrived at crew early and before the head baldy. So he knew i was there but then he started talking about it and went "Why are you here?" in teh middle of a sentence. It was quite humourous. Erin has a boyfriend now and she might be going to prom and because of that she still does not have my story. BRAT! So... Adew. I'm stressed in class.

Fuck Life

causticpax — 2004-04-06T12:04:00-05:00

I am so stressed. I thought I was going to take my math test today but then i got side steped with other classes and so i have to take it tomorrow. and then. eric was talking about the spanish homework and I realized that she never gave it to me. NEVER. she only gave me work sheets. no book work. I am so screwed and I say FUCK LIFE. Next year i'm going to be really depressed because we will have spanish class every single day. hey people can tell that i have had spanish class because i am depressed for hours afterwards. so know i will be depressed every single day. I bet by this time next year i will have attempted ahorcarse a couple times. I don't like that. It is going to suck. My mind won't work on the assignment i was supposed to do during lunch. I'm so screwed. AHHHH.

this isn't a war?

causticpax — 2004-04-07T06:04:00-05:00

Gee More Marines are dying. hmmmm... and this isn't a war. I remarked about this to my mother and she said welcome to Vietnam. That just really really really scares me. Perhaps I shall truly go back to my roots and protest. i don't agree with it and it will only get worse as i wonder who all i know will be sent off. some of my friends are eighteen and what if they reinstate the draft? for this war that isn't a war. I look at my teacher who was drafted and he still suffers so much. I don't want that to happen to say... Bryan or someone else like Jake or Jacob or Matt or any of those idiots. oh well... As Che would say... Hasta la victoria siempre.

So...

causticpax — 2004-04-07T09:04:00-05:00

I finally got asked to prom but not in teh way i really wanted nor by someone i would really want to go with. My big Brother (non-biological) asked me. I have known for a while that he was attracted to me. I beleive if this had happened a while ago i would have been flattered but i know how he treated my good friend and his ex-girlfriend, Kim. I rather alienate him than kim even though i have know him for a decade of my life. I Imed kim when he said so and then he was talking to her as well. I beleive that we might have stopped him but oh well. I also came to an awareness tonight that one of my friends has seen since the beginning of the school year. I have a slight (or maybe not so slight) crush on a friend of mine. When i was hanging with my two friends, I guess my body language was really into him. well... i guess. Why did she mention it tonight. I know i'm weird and i'll probeably never do anything about it like i have done on every other thing. I remembered a conversation I had with Kim a while ago about Bryan and she said that I did have a chance with him because he had matured and I am a beautiful smart girl. I'll remember that for right now. I also found out that one of my friends is getting married. She graduated last year and I always suspected it was her goal to get married as soon as possible. But she was my mentor. A girl about the ways women can make it in life. And she is getting married. My god. I will know someone who is married and less then a year and a half older then I am. What happens when she becomes pregnant? I will be a freshman in my life after High School and she will be a mother. Wait she isn't the only one I know who is married. I know three other girls but not as well and 2 are older then just graduated from high school. Another thing about my life that is going topsy turvy is that one of my friends dropped out of high school. He just dropped out. Neither rhyme nor reason. And then three more people out of my class of thirty-five are graduating early. Why? High school is only four years and I would love to get away from it but it is my only chance. Come on, I only need two more elective credits to graduate and I am going to a college programme this summer. Of course I'll have enough credits to graduate by the time school starts. And then one of our teachers and Bryan's favorite English teacher has less then six months to live. It is her third bout with cancer and she has young children. Oh god. My math teacher is organizing a head shaving fundraiser and so some of my classmates are contemplating shaving their heads. Eric might and he asked my opinion and I wish I could. I wish I could take the risk. I have long blonde hair. It is past my waist. Wouldn't it make a great wig? And then I wouldn't have to worry about it during philmont. But I wouldn't dare and my mom won't let me. When I was younger, my hair reached past my tush and then I decided to cut it to my shoulders. Well, the hairdresser put my hair into a braid and then cut it. My mom cried. I thought my mom donated the hair because it was a great length but a while ago I went through her drawers looking for something and I found it. It was weird a piece of me was lying there but that is how my mom would react if I shaved my head. That is something for me to think of.

Attainable?

causticpax — 2004-04-09T06:04:00-05:00

Am I unattainable?
Do I take a step back
When you take a step forward?
Do I make it seem that
I don’t want you save as a friend
When I really want you to
Break down my façade?

Perhaps I feel it is easier
To continue to be your friend
Instead of risking everything
for a chance of a moment in high school.
High school ends. It almost never lasts
But maybe we’ll be friends for years.
Instead of Love for months.

In my own heart, I feel
That I am attainable.
I do step back but I want
You to take two steps forward.
Break down my façade.
Make me lose my fear
Allow me, teach me to trust in you.

I'm Egypt

causticpax — 2004-04-11T05:04:00-05:00

You're Egypt!
Curator of ancient mystical secrets, your life on the surface is fairly typical these days. Though you are in denial about more things than most people. Nevertheless, you're trying to convince people that you're safe despite your more volatile and unstable times that seem to be behind you. You like cats a whole lot. You'd probably really appreciate The Blue Pyramid.
Takethe Country Quiz at the href="http://bluepyramid.org">Blue Pyramid

You're The Guns of August!
by Barbara Tuchman
Though you're interested in war, what you really want to know is whatcauses war. You're out to expose imperialism, militarism, and nationalism for what theyreally are. Nevertheless, you're always living in the past and have a hard time dealingwith what's going on today. You're also far more focused on Europe than anywhere else inthe world. A fitting motto for you might be "Guns do kill, but so candiplomats."
Take the Book Quizat the Blue Pyramid.

I lied? You knew it?

causticpax — 2004-04-12T06:04:00-05:00

So I confessed to patrick that i had lied to him and he said i know. oh great he knew how? so he said he always knew when people liked each other. What did i hear correctly or was he just using that as an example. okay. patrick. iadore you but... sometimes let me fly.

Ho Humm

causticpax — 2004-04-14T06:04:00-05:00

So yeah... i'm stressed. i basically got thourgh my english paper with minutes tospare and the computer crashed and lost my paper moments after i printed my one copy of it. ERGH. okay yeah. I didn't like cLc cuz i don't feel like i made a big impact in Charlie's life. oh well. I got the summit award yesterday and that was super cool. i felt estastic. it was really wonderful. Matty was next to me and i adore him. out of teh five reciepiants i was the only one who wasn't a eagle and teh only girl. hummm. that is really really cool. besides jake and josh and erin and kim were there to support me. I'm especially glad Jake was there. YUMMY. okay... so. on.

I am an imaginary number